Ben Bonkoske

I feel like I am in such a rush to nowhere in particular. I have dreams but they don’t mean anything on paper. Like Tony Mest’s voicemail once said, “Guys, it’s time to grow up.” It is so riveting experiencing deep-seated inertia instead of making any major progress. I might as well be a construction worker. I’m good at not thinking. Once again, it seems like I have my work cut out for me tomorrow. I will probably oversleep to avoid any commitment to any major life choice because it all just seems so unfair. I wish I was Peter Pan. I’m being deadpan. I have caught myself hyperventilating twice in the past two days. Not enough? Not for me. I really have to thank God for this pandemic, without it I really don’t know how far along or deep in the mud I would be. Nobody takes me seriously, not even me. The people who believe in me don’t seem to matter as much as those who just can’t seem to level with me. It is really ugly to see how successful people can be. I can worry all day about so many wonderfully abhorrent things, but why does the coin land on selling my childhood memories. I am willing to sacrifice so much more than I bargained for when I first thought I would become a writer. My life. It is, my life. I suppose I did not understand what it meant to be bold and brash to want to pursue a career more than a relationship, but here I am, still in love, with my work. I suppose I will never succeed at playing video games. Just like how I sold my yu-gi-oh cards for a hundred dollars to buy weed. I don’t wish I still had them, but It is just sad. It reminds me of a beautiful story written by John McCain, that made me cry the first time I read it. The book, Character is Destiny was given to me by my god-father. The short story is about a boy who grows up and stops playing with his toys from the perspective of a lonely toy that is never played with again. It just feels like I’m good at making the wrong decisions. Or the right ones I make are pointless, ambivalent, like building a sandcastle that will surely wash away. Today, today, tomorrow, today.