Ben Bonkoske

too much of the right thing goes sour. I am overwhelmed by doing so little that it is agonizing. To my surprise, I’m very bad at disguising all of my short-comings and flaws. To anyone, even people who don’t deserve to know me. I hate that I am nowhere where I want to be and I don’t have anybody to cradle me. It is one direction or sink. Sometimes I laugh at how lucky I am, but it always comes back around and I realize I only feel that way because of how much I read. Books make me dream bigger than my reality. They take me away from modernity My greatest fear is being redundant or saying the same thing over and over but there are only so many things you can spy with your little eye until it comes full circle. A simple checklist might save my life. You know what I need? Exactly what is coming for me. Tomorrow and I wouldn’t be the half bit surprised if it stole away all the meandering, subtle, unenjoyable, slow progress I equate to not smoking. I don’t want to reread Alice in Wonderland over a spice that doesn’t serve me. I remember being this bitter the last time I made this much progress and at the end of the day, the simplest way to be happy for yourself, is to just be happy for others. It is not a damn contest and it is a shame that that is the angle that I look down from. I don’t want to be a redheaded academic, and I respect the man who was able to walk on the shore a little longer than the world might have implored. I had all my dreams come true a few nights ago, but then I woke up. I am very sensitive – to the extent of being insecure whenever someone tells me there is something wrong with the way I process words. It is not like classical piano, there is no correct way to write a sentence – well, grammar, but I, am a poor poet that will happily die penniless while the young girls swoon for me from my grave. I’m looking forward to it these days. It is not worth the complications of marriage, or the disaster and hazards of love for the living. I don’t know what, or why I end up being so nice to people and rude to other prospects. It usually has to do with how much they threaten me if I’m just being honest. Honesty, what a joke in this fucking filthy world. It all doesn’t make sense to me. How we can all lie in front of one another and happily stab them in the back once they leave. I’ve seen it with my own ears.