Ben Bonkoske

I need to find a way to enjoy myself without killing myself. I was just so bored with being good, surely people who drink every day can understand a release. Today, I was like a sailor lost at sea on a beautiful boat. It would have been nice for you to be here, but frankly, it was an ugly reminiscent of my speed days (and nights). I sit here with foggy regret over a pack of cancerous, motivation-inhibiting, focus dilapidating yummy gummy bears at four o’clock in the morning. Two cups of coffee and half a pizza. I even rooted on my arch enemy. I don’t know why I have so much guilt over things that aren’t worth a sweat. I let go of everything I had pent up because of my horoscope. If I can be so easily swayed by an app I downloaded two days ago, I worry about any “progress” I’ve made. I think I edited five, maybe six chapters which is a beautiful feat, but I have a trembling worry that it won’t matter because I don’t have a reliable editor. I’m contemplating taking things into my own hands, but that is how you end up with a bullet in the head. I will admit, I don’t think I was anymore happy today after I broke my promises to myself. Perhaps more productive, but if I had just TRIED before I acted, I would probably be just as far along, and twice as happy. I’m debating if I should start over with Alice in Wonderland, because I know, for the next three weeks, my work will be compromised. It is an ugly thing to live so dangerously – even now as I glimpse in the mirror I’m afraid I won’t recognize me. And such a beautiful living when you do everything right. Even now, I see that there are clustered words and a shorter manuscript. It is worth the rare moment, but never in the long term. I will just have to start over, “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne ceaselessly into the past.” #neveragain its a learning game