Ben Bonkoske

I might as well try to write while balancing a guitar on my lap. The wonderful act of balancing anything else in my life seems to have fluttered away, and me, as usual, I decay. No music – that would make me happy. I make playlists out of spite that I might meet somebody who enjoys them in the slightest. Not me. I like the same music that I listened to when it was 2009, 2010…Should’ve made a record bout how I felt then. I haven’t written a song in almost a year. Well, the ending riff doesn’t count. Its all jibberish. Everything I make is criticized by my roommate Oscar- the grouch. My alter-ego. A crabby green man who lives in a trash can. I doubt I’d be very good at catching a catchy tune anyway. It’s all the same chords I knew when I learned to play naked on shrooms. Pizza Underground greatest hits. Like a little bird that has flown out of reach, I don’t have much to offer. I am a sick bastard. In love with hating myself, the news, and any other person who exceeds my limitations. If we were to line everybody up in a row, in order of success, I really don’t know where I’d be placed. That seems to be my greatest problem – I can’t pinpoint where I am most meaningful..probably because I’m such a chronic isolator. I love very few people, and the more I walk these empty streets, the more I realize how little people love me. What is most meaningful to me if it isn’t in the form of longhand bad handwriting? My grandparents, and my cat who tried to kiss me last night (with tongue!) Even that, I’m feigning sleepiness since I broke my 49-day streak. Journaling consistently. Not bad, but I seem to have a grit plateau that lasts roughly that long, 50 maximum. Can I get better? That all depends on two significant choices. 1. If I am smart enough to abstain from attention shortening substances (primarily nicotine) 2. If I put aside all the excuses of an average day to wake up, with a positive attitude, and go to sleep feeling the same way. I don’t know which comes first, the chicken or the egg. If I do good, I will do well, well, if only.