Ben Bonkoske

Today was an unpleasant reminder that there is a difference between unbridled talent and dedicated revision of hard work. I hate to admit, for as fast as I am running, I am good at coasting. The starving artist deserves no sympathy. We do it to ourselves. Believe in a dream – what an undeveloped plan that a good parent should intervene. I’ve seen so many angels ready to burn in hell, and today, it is rather unfashionable to ask for help. It is unhealthy, that is for sure, and we can’t see what our organs look like, even if they are for dinner. I used to look up people’s height to see if I was taller than them. It was a compulsive habit that diminished a person to a relatively unimportant trait. Now, I look up people’s age, because I hate to say, I’m older than when I was that happy little trailbaby. “I have time” I convince myself in the same way I’d explain that I’d grow when someone was over six foot. Like a little lie that makes me ok for not being good enough – that someday I will be recognized for all the beautiful words I say on a page, but not today. Not by anybody who matters – the ones I pay no attention to because I know they will always be there to support me indefinitely. My friends, family. Why does approval cause ambivalence and diminish dismay? It might be best to die young, marry rich, I’m so excited I can’t wait! I hate anybody who says they can read a book better than me. It is all poetry. It is like praying. God does not hear you! It might be better understood, but feelings have no degrees. No wish is answered because it is greater. We are all the same. Plain old wheat bread, salami, and cheddar. I got in a fight today because it just isn’t worth the effort to explain myself. Nobody should feel guilty for reasons painted by the insane – people think they are so much better at explaining the mundane. My cat just gave me a workout.