Ben Bonkoske

I used to go to church. It used to make me happy even though I occasionally thought it was silly. I prayed for patience – hollering hallelujah as they brought out a snake. Patience is the only virtue I want. To have the patience with people and myself to find acceptance in all that is wrong. It sounds awesome. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. I really want to rush my second novel, but it probably isn’t worth it. Two pairs of eyes and neither of them trained in literacy sounds like lunacy. We are not Finneas and Billie Ellish. Tonight, I hate everyone…except my mentors I never got to say goodbye to from college. I graduated, if you are wondering, not that it means anything, to anyone. It is the ones who never give up on someone that make something truly beautiful in this world. I never gave up on a six-foot-seven scoundrel and because of that, he has never given up on this basket case. Really, for how good I’m doing, I’m a wreck. I’m not fried, but I could have been smarter. Maybe if I was nurtured better, maybe if I had better faith in nature. I work so hard and am so worthless I don’t deserve another persistent disappointment. I am an embarrassment. Even I’m stupid enough to see it. Even I’m bright enough to not disagree. Big bad thoughts hurt little fragile people. My hero is a phony. He disappoints me. Typing on a six inch screen because I’m not worthy.
My sister broke up with her boyfriend today. She just apparently wasn’t happy enough and ended it. She’s sad but has already washed her hands. Pretty impressive. I was a little upset to learn that she told my dad before me. My advice apparently isn’t noteworthy. I’m really good at making things about me, but isn‘t that the human condition, to experience things and interpret them? Immaturity is a common theme in my life but I’ll be lucky if anybody laughs at my funeral the way I’m going.