Ben Bonkoske

My last few posts have been shorter than usual. Sometimes they have deep meaning thrust upon them, and other times, they are just mindless words to fill up an obligation of writing on the familiar nights that you may expect to see me pop up into your life. Ha, I’m basically a pop-up ad. I can’t remember a single pop-up ad that has any resonance in my life, but still, it is better than nothing. Occasionally they are funny. We need a good laugh at how meaningless things are these days. The world on fire and I’m still aspiring to be a dancing artiste. I think we are at capacity for oblivious romantics (and my singing voice really hasn’t gotten much better, though I am trying). A good satire I’ve been binging on weekends (my only breaks – but it starts on Thursdays) is very good at pointing out all of my flaws and excuses that I identify with as a poet without a pen. “I’ll be obscure by choice.” When I was roughly 17 I said, “I’m as famous as I’d ever want to be.” Fame is a strange thing that is only meaningful when you assume you bring meaning to other people’s lives by your own presence. I feel the same way. I’d only want to be as famous as I was at 17. I don’t know if I have a talent that the world can’t live without, but I like to think I make people happy. People make me happy somedays, but I’ve written…”I like people, but I also hate them most of the time.” Page 13. The lucky number I’m always striving towards. It might’ve meant more if I was happy with myself, but I think we both thought of selling ourselves short. I look back and shake my head. I caught a roughly sixty-year-old man today, out on a walk in the rain, burning a roach. He politely offered it to me, and I’m very lucky to be at the point in my life where I could laugh it off. He then called me fat by saying I’d lost weight. I got over it with a bowl of ice cream. I hope I never become a prig about other people’s indulgences. We all have vices and it is best to be polite about it. We had a thirty-minute heady discussion, getting soaked, and not caring about how we were a world apart. Our differences were simply hiding. I laugh at my legacy. It really wouldn’t mean much to leave behind, but thankfully, tonight, I have a reason to live. Bluffing. My life is occupied by pride. Not lust, just. Joy that comes from sharing a figurative beer with someone you love. My sister is very crabby, but I think I love her the most. Rub some tiger balm onto my temple, and listen for the alarm to go off.