Ben Bonkoske

One piece of memorabilia that I lost when my life got flipped turned upside down was a black and white photograph of Hemingway working at a cluttered desk in his old age, petting a kitten. The man was married four times and basically shot himself with a shotgun, so I owe him some dignity. He was a symbol of my muse. I think I threw out an iPad in the same lucidity of 2019 and drank homemade green pea tea. I can’t believe 2020 is almost over, and yet 2019 seems so close as though it was yesterday. I mention all of this because there is a cat on my lap. I’m typing with my arms beneath the little bastard, stretching the flexibility of my hands as much as they will let me…And he’s gone. Ready to leave me with passive-aggressive glances and late-night moaning. The fate of America was televised tonight. I didn’t really take it seriously. It felt like a good sitcom. All that is was missing was laughter on cue, oohs and ahhs. There are a lot of things I would have done differently. I doubt any of the people who I hit in the crossfire of my growing pains read anything I need to say, but maybe the universe is listening. I still get embarrassed by old history. I thought about the time I went crazy and justified it that it happened when I was eighteen. The only thing is it lasted (and was ugly) four years after its initial intervention. But today I trusted myself and wasn’t let down left to my own devices. It wasn’t a perfect day (by Lou Reed’s standards), in fact, it was probably the worst day I’ve had in the unending trivialities I esteem for my routine. But I didn’t kiss a fag (British slang for all those wondering). There was a little apocalypse outside my window due to the spring air. I swear, it was just summer, fall was a week, winter breezed in, and now, the spring heat. It is sad when I think I have less than 80 winters left to bundle up for. That is, if five years of binging at college doesn’t kill me inevitably. Day sleeping used to be a hell of a drug that I revisited while I watched tv today. Doing nothing important until you get so bored you fall asleep. It doesn’t happen that often, since I believe, I’m better than I used to be. Or at least, boring as I should be.