five-o clock shadow.
Never make fun of someone for crying because as sure as I will someday be a paraplegic from a motorcycle accident, I assure you that you will have tears in your own eyes, seeking comfort from somebody you once laughed at. People love to laugh at you when you’re down. Get up. By yourself. It is best to be self-reliant. Crying alone is probably also best. I wouldn’t want that broadcasted, but who knows, someday we might be sharing our most embarrassing moments just because more people will read it. I think it is ironic that the more I am struggling, and the more I write morbidly, the greater response I get from the WordPress community. Thanks guys. Honestly, if I didn’t have writing as an outlet I would get mentally constipated and plugged up. This way is the best. You read a little nice incite. You read my suicidal ideation. We’re all happy. One big happy family. I’m only being sarcastic. For as crabby, and depressed as I get, compared to 2018-19, 2020 has been a serious home improvement. Don’t know what is different, but I’ve made some changes. I’m coming up on cold shower #30…in a row. And I mean frigid ice-cold showers. I don’t think it does a damn thing, but I feel more accomplished after I do it. It is the little things. Little goals we can check off at the end of a day we spent procrastinating that protect us from hating ourselves. I am a little bit of a night owl. Just in the sense that I get the most amount of things done in the evening. I’m yarbles in the morning. Good for a long walk, tea, and reading. Do you have any idea how absolutely pathetic you have to be that A SHOWER is on your list of things to accomplish? Ram Dass once shared a story about how the Buddha met a monk who practiced the art of levitation, and after twenty years of constant mediation, he could walk on water. The Buddha responded, “But the ferry is only a nickel.” In other words, I am making progress, being more disciplined in certain inane ways, but I might be cutting at the wrong tree. A part of me thinks I could benefit from a good psychedelic experience. Have that self-reflection that I will see everything I’m doing wrong, but as John Lennon said, “We always just come back to sobriety.” Perhaps a short-lived experience my refurbish my perspective, but in the long long long run, it is just going to be the same old bullshit a different day. I doubt I will find all the answers I’m looking for. What depressed me is I’ve given up on looking for answers from other places. I’m content with possibly being wrong. I think something happens to us after we accomplish new heights. It really goes a long way if you don’t give up. Or, after you give up, you just try again. We forget who we are when we win, and I must confess, I’ve seen good people change. I’ve changed. I still get agitated, aggravated, and can be dismissive to everyone around me BECAUSE I KNOW BEST. It is funny that for as little as I have going on in my life, I think about doing a lot of things and take myself extremely seriously, and yet, accomplish so little.
Ben Bonkoske 