Ben Bonkoske

It has come to my attention that I am a toxic boyfriend. No, I didn’t realize this right after a plate was thrown at my head. This revelation finally occurred almost two years after being in a relationship. Lucky me! My sister asked me how my love life is these days. It sure is nice constantly spending time alone. It sure is nice to be focused on your own reflection in the mirror. I just don’t think I do well with people on anything more than a surface relationship. I am too deep. I am too shallow. Love is an ugly equilibrium. It is unfair to ask anyone to stick around and watch you deteriorate. It is like two strangers slowly walking towards each other from opposite sides of the earth. The world is always seen differently. Sobriety doesn’t solve everything. It does make me good at doing a lot more useless things. I’m trying to do the hardest things first. All it did was make me waste a perfectly good Saturday. I don’t want to take days off, but I still find myself oversleeping, eating, and reading in bed. Don’t get mad, but little boys are not always the meanest entity in a relationship. There is a distinct difference between not knowing you are an asshole and intentionally trying to break someone’s heart. I think, these days, it is best to love from afar. Love makes people stupid. So do drugs. I do remember the last time I jumped off the wagon being disgusted by how poorly I spent my time. I don’t think we recognize all the white noise we create by honing a craft. It is only oh so human. I’ve wasted a damn year. I’ve lived for the first year in my life. There were books I planned to read for all of college that weren’t finished until I took a long lonely look in the mirror. Yes, I write because I lost everything. It isn’t worth it love be infatuated with someone’s output of work. Because my love, you would only detract from it. Perhaps you may be my muse, but darling, you are meant for so much more.