Ben Bonkoske

There are a lot of things I don’t need to do that occupy a large amount of my time. This blog being probably the most draining of them. It really is the most enjoyable thing I do besides everything else. I have a little trouble believing in myself the same way it is hard to believe in God. I just don’t feel an imminent connection with it all. Life is like a really long one nightstand lately. Very surface level. Maybe the problem is life is very shallow. I think when I was younger I grasped for a deeper meaning to everything in a way that eventually alienated me from anything practical. I have a very unpractical personality. If I told you all of my dreams you’d probably roll your eyes and turn your head over to the person next to you and say, “I think this guy is out of his league.” Maybe that’s why you don’t share your hopes and dreams with someone the first time you sleep with them. I’ve been sleeping alone for a long time now. Man, I had an awful dream last night. A reoccurring problem I can’t be honest with myself about. As I said, it unpractical. I wish I could make decisions for myself. I think I’ve given into allowing other people to tell me what to do. I don’t know who I became. Someone else’s watered-down rendition. Why do I feel like I’ve lost the will to live while I’m happier than I’ve ever been? You wouldn’t know it if you read me like a book. I need another deep breath. And then another for the next hundred years, doing so much of nothing.