Structure is good for my soul.
I’m too busy writing to write tonight.
A new friendship is on the horizon.
It is important to try and be dialed into whatever you do. I suffer from a terrible case of tunnel visions and I haven’t even dropped anything recently. It is, do this, do this now. I have to schedule in a deep breath that I only remember if my alarm clock reminds me. I do however, sleep too much. I don’t know why but my kryptonite is binge watching a series of dreams. I welcome nightmares, but it is funny, I often awake in the middle of the night compelled that my dream would make a incredible novel, but whenever I return to them they are quite ridiculous.
For example, dinner party turns into a war. Julia Louis- Dreyfus plays the BBQ cook who feeds the soldiers.
So, in a way, I am broadening my creative expertise. I am convinced that if I keep myself busy I won’t get depressed. However, nothing stops the day coming to an end, confused if I did anything at all, and hiding under the sheets to wake up to the nightmare I call my life. Today (Friday) and yesterday (Thursday) were…good, for whatever that is worth. If I’m being honest, I had four days of complete chaos. I don’t think I did a single thing that wasn’t hedonistic. Too much pleasure really takes the joy out of life. In other words, I do pleasurable things until I kill them, make them dreadful to think about, and they, more or less, ruin me.
I don’t do well in noisy places. I prefer a quiet place to compose my thoughts. Better yet, to not have any thoughts at all. That is what happened last night, my usual posting hour, and it frightened me. I worry I’m becoming boring, when in reality, I am much more confusing than boring. I am not straightforward. I change day to day, and I hope that in my lifetime I will be completely different than who I think I am today. I could probably be reduced to a stereotype in a Woody Allen film, but I could do the same to most people these days. Let’s give me a shot.
Simplord
daddy’s boy
wannabe self-published writer
in the middle of nowhere
“important”
It is days I don’t talk to anyone that make me uninteresting. I strive off of connection, and I am not yet willing to jeopardize all of that for the rare chance that I can replace it with flashy new replacements. I am already running on empty. I really think it would be a show worth paying for if I died quietly in the most populated city. Anywho, as I said, structure is good for my soul, but it is a silent but deadly killer. I think for the hell of it I will mumbojumbo my routine up in a gumbo stew. Be ok with not being straightforward day after day after day.
Instagram: Bencbon
Ben Bonkoske 