I don’t dance as often as I’d like to. Not much use without a partner these days. Luckily, when I do dance, it doesn’t need to be to music. Why wait? I just move myself to my passionate discontent, thrashing and bashing to silence. Drinking makes me think I’m a dashing good dancer, when the fact is, that I probably look stupid. But who the fuck cares at that point. “Almost nobody dances sober, unless they happen to be insane.” – H.P Lovecraft. I derive joy from looking insanely stupid.
I make everything into a competition. NOBODY WILL LISTEN TO MUSIC AS MUCH AS ME!!! Humorous, but pathetic. I danced tonight in my cramped quarters and I thought about how it would make sensational capital for TikTok. I’m just going to say yes, I’m mature enough not to have that accursed time-waster. I have enough time that I unintentionally waste. Today though, no time wasted. I could accredit this to two tall glasses of water and the first cold shower in much too long that woke me up. I think I can aliken my competitive nature to addiction of any sort.
I realized that I am addicted to hot showers! Humorous, but serious. I learned that two people who cuddle too much can experience withdrawals when they are separated for too long, so I don’t see what would be different with overstaying my welcome in a bathtub. I feel like I’m the only person who can take something as enjoyable as art and have it just kill me a little inside each time I listen to it. When I listen to other people’s music, usually this rigidity melts away. It is just a song for the sake of a song. Thank God. But love songs do make me anticipate tomorrow, and for that I’m thankful, not to mention, they are a good excuse to break free and boogie.
I guess when you start rethinking old jealousies that ruined you once, you have a little too much time invested in the past. “I never ask a man what his business is, for it never interests me. What I ask him about are his thoughts and dreams.” – HP Lovecraft. That’s what I should have been more interested in. People who come, or more, stay in your life help build a future, not tear apart the past. It really shouldn’t matter because it doesn’t anymore. Just an unintentional time waster. I’ve learned better, but I don’t know any different. If that makes sense? I know what I knew and I don’t know why that has everything to do with what I’m doing. I look forward to the day I’ve written enough so I can come home to you. Let’s hope I don’t kill myself before that happens, unintentionally of course.
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Ben Bonkoske 