Ben Bonkoske

I finished my morning routine at roughly 10:30 pm today. Either I have too many things I am trying to accomplish before noon, or I have fallen off the deep end. Life is moving relatively fast. I suppose that shouldn’t come as a surprise after a year of being a river clogged by a few boulders. Now I am ravine! That is not to imply that I do any more than I did…ever. I don’t know how I do a damn thing. It all just adds up after a while I suppose. But, day to day to day to day, I might as well sleep in a coffin and have it nailed shut. I’m a piece of shiat. For example, I ate five burritos and a medium sized pizza today. I claim to be making progress because my 24 year old resolution was no dessert – no exceptions. So far I have eaten 3 cookies (baked by my bff’s mom and given to me as a gift) and one coconut granola bar. This is indeed an improvement from a weekly box of oreos and half gallon of ice cream. Oddly, I’m starting to get in better shape. Mentally, I am exhausted and jaded. I’d welcome a day job. Hell, I’d welcome just about anything different. There is a new chapter beginning in my life. I am so sick and tired of this limbo I’ve been stuck in for 6 years. I feel like I am putting my foot on the moon. Baby steps. Sometimes, I don’t suppose I’d be worse off either. Something I am trying to do is to stop comparing myself to where everybody else is, and what everybody looks like. It is unfair to thrust that sort of comparison onto myself or others. I ain’t anything special. My only superpower is that I can laugh at myself when things take a turn for the sweet bitter end of self-inflicted doom. So many people are trying to help me and it is this terrible feeling of being unable to help myself in any pragmatic way. It is not the end of the world. Just the end of mine.