Ben Bonkoske

I’m breaking new boundaries with old patterns. I suppose, looking back, we will sometimes wish we spent our time working, other times we will be glad for the rest from the bullshit. I wonder how sad the average person is. What is average anyway? Why are people so consumed with comparing themselves to everyone else? Compared to who I once was, it doesn’t really matter. If all we think about is where are coming from, we will never get anywhere. I worry that the older I get the more I will think about my life as a kid. My childhood started in 7th grade when I lied about losing my virginity. I think a sign of immaturity is valuing some goody-goody girl to fall in love with. I think looking for a slut is immature just the same. Pining over some childhood crap isn’t any good either. To be honest, the idea of falling in love is really repulsive to me as of late. What happened to that warm sweet loving boy? I’m like the callouses on my fingers from practicing Blackbird so much. I hope I discover a band that sounds like everything I am looking for. I want to fall in love with a piece of art. I’m attracted to objects more than my unhealthy perspective of humanity. I think the reason why I think the world is so ugly is that I am projecting a mirror. I remember once being asked if I liked what I saw when I looked in the mirror. At the time, I really did. I was loved them. It is exhausting making up so many reasons why someone should take the time to notice me. I suppose I’m still just doing it for someone I once loved. The sad part, at the end of things, I feel like I didn’t know her at all. My greatest fear is just moving back to Chicago and it is just high school all over again – minus the part about being in love. I’m really worried that the happiest I’ll ever be has already happened. When I walked to New York, I did it because I didn’t have a reason to live. I wonder if in 2024, when I plan to break off for South America on a motorcycle, I will by then. I hope not man, this life really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’d happily die for you. Happily say goodbye to you.