Ben Bonkoske

I’ve been running for so damn long. Running God knows where. Sometimes I look up to the sky and shake my head, asking, “God, where the hell are you taking me?” I’ve been around the block once or maybe two times, but I am happy to take a walk down memory road, relishing in beauty I never caught before. I suppose there was some hidden beauty in Asheville that it took me a very long time to discover. It really did its job trying to dig up dirt on me. I’ve been the man of the hour, I’ve been kicked out of parties. One memory that stands out was at a contact improv meet (which is a touchy dance form), where I met a wizened Aries. I asked him what was his life goal or some stupid, overly personal confusing question and he said, “I want to try to not miss anything.” My whole life I’ve been so convinced I’d be missing something if I just didn’t make life the most unbearable ungodly thing. I really am happy to not have to fight for some spot on stage. I want to write an off-off-off-off-off-off-off Broadway prostitute a love letter. I am happy. So often I feel like I come up short, am not enough, or that life is unfulfilling, but tonight, I want to try and remember how happy I am, so I can believe that I truly once was. It is very rare these days. Or, at least it was. It is like striking gold, or oil! in the midst of a beautiful city named after an onion that is known for its shitty winters. Make the best of the worst. I am realizing how weak I’ve been when I was so horribly cushioned. Maybe I needed to be cradled a little, but goddamnit if I don’t know that there is some stunted growth or arrested development. Do you see how quickly I find something so friggen wrong with something that I can’t change? Or better, make an excuse for why I’m sad, lonely, and ugly. Doing the same thing everyday for a year, not seeing anyone you love besides the person you love to hate the most every day, is very, exponentially unhealthy. I once spent 1 whole month inside. I am a 17 year old man all over again. Not to get too personal, but my dad never saw me as grown-up, so I never had a reason to. He is the worst loving person. I’d be anywhere without him, I’d be nowhere. He just doesn’t think I can do it. He has a very low opinion of me. Which I am figuring there are people who feel the same, but at the same time, there are people who love the hell out of my obnoxious ass. I didn’t write anything about him for the past year because I was under his roof, and he made it seem like he was helping me the hell out. And that I should never forget it. I want you all to know, If I wanted to be in New York, I’d be there right now. There is more to life than living in New York City. I’d probably take a train this time, but the walk would do me good. I was in the woods of Michigan for 13 months. I walked something like 1,200 miles in that time. I love to walk. I don’t think I could get a car, but I could go anywhere I damn wanted to. The goal, is to get a motorcycle and not get murdered in South America ,(but more on that later) People love to watch what they think is someone else failing. If I cared what everybody thought of me, I’d ask. I’m really just trying to figure out what I think of myself. I’m a lot less than what I once thought I was, but I’m actually much, much more.