Is it possible to reinvent the wheel? I suppose if there was, it would have been done. There are only so many pieces that fit in that missing hole. I have never been so happy in my damn accursed life. I think that is the saddest part. I do believe I am cursed. Self-inflicted voodoo. The curse will last either 6 years or if I read a book that I stole. Probably about 2 years ago to the date. Wow. That was the first time that two years felt like a long time ago. Time goes so damn fast, and I’m sure to look back and think it is all just one big mistake. One after the other. I’m crazy enough to think I’m normal now. I hope that you hope I find whatever I am looking for. It would really feel good to think that after all of the resentments, there is still someone on my side. I think I was a controversial bastard when I was younger. I hated a lot of people as a way to cope with how awful I felt about who I was as a person. I don’t think I knew any better. I am not trying to recapture that notion. That awful essence of an air of egotistical importance. That’s not an excuse but it is a reason for why we can make fools of ourselves. Substance makes you appreciate others a lot more.
I have officially been back in Chicago for a week. Talk about not having the time. It was a horrible, horrible, horrible, revelation to learn that I hadn’t written on my typewriter in over a month. Entry: March 31st. Entry April 30th. I am unable to find anything in between. The whole reason I didn’t get drunk last night was so that in lue of a hangover, I’d get something on the page. Guess what? I woke up when school was probably getting out. It was the first time that I’d seen live music in a damn long time, and I felt fine as hell afterward. Too warm to sleep. Sneaking into bed well after 2. Good ol’ Simon and his new main squeeze. I danced, and as usual, I got the whole place to boogie. I was sober a sardine for the first set. It was painful. However, once everybody else got nice and loose from the booze, I loosened up my tight ass and the next thing I knew, I was talking with all sorts of strangers and even was given the old eye from a cootie patootie. I try not to go a day without putting something on the page, but I suppose a month isn’t the longest stretch I’ve gone without having something to say. If you haven’t uncovered my con yet, my special insight is unremarkable. But I love you anyway. I know I need to say something, but I suppose it used to come a little easier in my head. Easy is the opposite of what I’m after. I’m a terrible artist, but at least I’m a try-hard. There are so many talentless people. There are a lot of female teachers. Neither of those things seems to make a difference to me. I know something special when it dares to dance back.
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Ben Bonkoske 