“Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive.”
If I’m going to procrastinate, I might as well get something done. A friend of mine had her last class of undergraduate this past week, and she reveled in the thought that now she can focus on the more important parts of life since she won’t be occupied with classes. I thought this silly of her, until I realized that I wasted ALL DAY just avoiding doing what I should, which is to read a few short stories for my fiction class. It isn’t so much that there is work to be done, it is the drudgery of just accomplishing crap when you know damn well that your time would be better spent on artistic endeavors. I knew moving back to the city was going to be a little shocking, and I am managing…pretty well, all things considered. Some weeks will be easy, some I’m sure will chew me up and spit me out I sure. My bedtime has been very inconsistent, I will say that. I’m back to day 0 on all of my stupid standards I hold myself to like cold showers in a row, and etc. But it is nice to not look at the time as a battle of how can I do the least with the most amount of energy. Today, either way, was one of those days. I do hold myself to high standards, so it is very common that I feel “dirty.” What a waste of my early twenties. I think Charles Yu wrote that during this period he was unhappy for the right reasons. I relate. I am trying to be the best version of myself. A man of substance, flesh and blood. Is it the end of the world that I fall below par? No. Do I feel farther away from reaching my optimum potential because I socially make bad decisions? I suppose. I suppose I suppose I suppose, I think, I know everything. How little is my brain at comprehending the big questions. I think that is first and foremost my biggest issue. I try to trivialize the big questions by answering them. I know that I know nothing. I overestimate the importance of things, and when they come around, they never seem to matter the way they do in my head. Better off dead, I suppose.
Ben Bonkoske 