I tell myself, and I’d be happy to tell others, that if you want to be a successful writer, just keep writing (insert synonym for writing – just keep “swimming”). Just don’t stop what you are doing. I write, here tonight, to say, that I will likely be meeting a self-imposed deadline for my next book. It is titled Ten Zen by Ben.
10/10/23 seems like a better deadline for the project than my preferred date, but, I will say, that some numerical values are a bit more arcane (Ask the Mathletes). But this book, and this deadline, are not what I am truly trying to focus on. Writing it kept me in a state of limbo.
Right before I deleted my Instagram, I posted something that said, “I guess the truth comes out when you are being honest.” And then I disappeared. I live in a world of fear. I fear God, I fear love, I fear my dad, I fear my ex-girlfriend, but most importantly I fear myself. I fear what I have to say. And with that fear, comes the belief that I must hide. I must not show my true colors to the world, because I have fear that I am some bad person who doesn’t deserve to be who I am. I fear it is wrong to be somebody.
(And so, I run, and hide away, for my long intervals of life. I am quiet for a long time. Working silently, quietly. Head down and humble. Then I show up expecting that the world is not to have changed. But let’s hope this is not a blog post embodiment of some guy saying “I’m back.” I’m not really. And well, a part of me never left, but another part of me is gone I suppose. But losing yourself isn’t the point. One point is that it is important to know who you are, and you are more likely to discover this by looking inward than relying on outward expectations from others.)
But my initial point is this, I don’t know why I have so much to hide. I don’t know why I’d be so ashamed with the idea of saying that I wrote another book. Maybe I think it adds value. Maybe I call shame humility. If I have any redeeming quality, it is that I am a generally honest person. “Sometimes too honest.” Welp, yeah maybe I’ve said some dumb thing. Maybe I’ve voiced my opinion about things that aren’t really my business. But I really have to find the strength to say that I am not a bad person, and I can help people with my words.
- I don’t work well with others
- I have a sailor mouth
- I have bad days
but I’m not a bad person.
I’d like to be honest and be open about my thoughts. I think that a significant point of progress is that we share ideas. I’m not really banking on my name being the thing that is remembered, but I sure hope my ideas make a difference. It is so much better, as a writer, to have conflict and an inner dialogue, than to get everything done with everyone on time. It’s not bad to do both. I hope I find a way that it doesn’t hurt anyone to speak (you and myself both included), and say something worth exclaiming. And let’s pray we write another book.
Ben Bonkoske 