I can’t believe I ate a fucking Rueben today. It was amazing. Double on the thousand Island Dressing. Also yesterday I ate a Sauce Boss, which is a spicy Italian Subway Sandwich with all the sauces on it, and I ate The Big New Yorker Pizza from Pizza Hut which has pepperoni on it. Also, I got wings. And yet, I’ll refer to myself as a vegetarian. (I was a vegetarian for a year, but then I incorporated salmon and here we are). Hell, next thing you know I’ll be calling myself straight edge when I’m drinking more than just coffee.
Perhaps all of this newfound information invalidates me. It may make me seem less productive than the greater American population. But in a sense, truth is freedom, and if I am being honest with myself, it is in a way a greater liberty. (remember that now)
And who am I to care so much about people other than myself? Let me rejoice in my own life. And if I’d like to be a sober celibate vegan because the corporate government has instilled in me that it is going to make me live longer, perpetuate lies of romance, and doing well all in the name of Religion and enslavement, then I shall.
Freedom of choice is a very scary concept when we are very unaware to the extent that our rights and our conception reality is being altered or oppressed.
Even now, as I write this, it is prone to be edited, and made damn sure not to be read by a greater public/you until it is thoroughly reviewed and censored.
I am afraid to write this next sentence, because the confession of my thoughts may further affirm deeper fears/desires I may harbor, which can be used against me by anyone “I do not know.” (Cyber hackers, an old roommate, Government Agencies, Academic Institutions, Media Outlets, Bourgeois families).
I feel like I am in an outside prison. I feel like what I do is already known and then determined without much choice on my part. I am not oblivious to extraordinary extent that technology, surveillance, and media influence can infiltrate my inner sanctum and consciousness, not to mention other’s. It is very invasive and unethical. I’m not speaking in theory. I’m speaking from firsthand experience that much of what I find online is targeted to me and builds a very tragic, isolating narrative, and therefore I become very…dilapidated. I’m not only speaking of online interaction either, but that is where it is most evident.
Gaslighting is a term that refers to when a person makes someone question their reality – usually by means of social media.
I write all of this to admit that I know all of this sounds very invalidating of my credibility. And I can admit that maybe I am wrong. Maybe I’m a paranoid schizophrenic (who has never been diagnosed of such atrocities, but just you wait). Maybe I’m wrong and this reality really is just a heartwarming experience where American’s rape people into a false belief systems. They took away the freedom to choose, so I might not be wrong.
As a writer you have to have the courage to write what you believe even if it doesn’t sound right, or even it won’t be understood at the time it is written. You should be able to convey your ideas in a way that can appeal, convey and convince your ideas well. And finally, you should be able to accept that your beliefs may change. It is important to know how and why they change. For better or for worse, and for whom?
Ben Bonkoske 