Sometimes sad music is the vibe. But sometimes it is good to rock out. I’ve been wallowing so much for a long lil’ while. And all I can attribute it to is twofold. The first is a chemical recalibration of the dopamine in my brain. The other is just holding onto who I once was, and would’ve died to have been.
Reframing thought and emotional patterns in your brain is no easy work. It is like working out – if you run five miles and then do three sets of your max, it will probably will screw you. You can’t just not love someone tomorrow, or know how to be empathetic with others and yourself, or pray for life over death with the snap of your fingers. As far as I am aware there is no spell that can Alacazam a person into similitude perfection from your former self.
But sometimes we need to say goodbye to that old self. That old person we loved. I think that there is a part of me that has been in a constant subtle psychotic episode for the past nine years. Not so much that I have been out of touch with reality, of which I have been in many capacities, but more so that I have been out of touch with who I am, and who I supposed I was.
It is peaceful to be at peace with who I’ve become. Not who I wanted to be, or who others want, but just who I ended up as.
It’s not about the name changes, or the introverted extroverted archetypes I’ve invented, the Love God complexes, or infamous reputations that nobody cared about – well, maybe it was. And I don’t know what it is about if not all those constituents, but I think it is just the difference between mourning sad music, and changing your tune.
Ten Zen by Ben is live on Barnes and Noble. It’s a book I’d rather have find you through the grapevine. But I don’t mind people picking the fruit I sowed.
Ben Bonkoske 