I don’t know if you caught it out your Chicago window, but all at once, it began snowing. After my brisk bike ride in which my Airpods died! (The funeral will be on Monday), I decided I would treat myself to a berga from America’s favorite restaurant. Just so you know, unless I’m being a vegetarian, I usually don’t just have just one burger. But The Burger Establishment closed at Ten. My phone read 22:00. So I walked to the drive-in and stood at the speaker for a cold few seconds. And so, the moral is, there are still things I can not do without a car. But the snow was nice and I live in a city where there was an alternative about 500 feet away.
I think a lot and I’ve been thinking a lot. But today I purged all my fears. I wonder what percentage of my thoughts resort to fears I have. I had 83 fundamental fears. When I was sharing all this to someone, my body got really tense, and anxious, and it was evident that I unawarely carry a lot of pain in my body all the time. I don’t know how to release it, but when I run, I often find myself crying, and I think that it is just me releasing all the fuck shit.
I don’t think I’ve run in a week. Been smoking. And you know, you’re supposed to have a reason as to why you don’t smoke, and get up, and eat healthy, and write. And everyone in my circles tells me that that reason has to be God.
And I do believe there is a God. But that doesn’t always mean you have to believe in God. Or rather you don’t have to rely soley on God as the thing that makes life meaningful. Because, like a lot of other entities, God isn’t always there. Like he is, in our hearts, but it’s/He’s not exactly there there. It’s just a hope that something is there.
I think it is kind of juvenile, to be so codependent on something that I feel like my whole philosophy is that if I do good, and am a good boy, and punish myself to be happy, I might get what I want, but it won’t be what I really want, and I’m sure to be miserable again, because nothing is ever good enough, but I’ll have God, and that will be enough.
I’m not renouncing God, or dissing Him/Her. But don’t you think that maybe he’d want you to have meaning in your life from things that are not just um, like pain?
And thank God we have Buddah, who let’s us know it is all pain.
And the Lumineers to sing to us that “It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all.”
And I’ve been super numb for the past 125 cigarettes. And I’m happy to continue the journey of self-acceptance/improvement and not be living in indulgent devil schtick. But I don’t know exactly why/if I will. 🐺
P.S Books/Writing have always been the thing that really helps, when everything else leaves, and I’m with something that loves me unconditionally. Even when I don’t read. It’s always there, for me.
Ben Bonkoske 