Before I get into all sorts of human behavior, etc. I’ll try to open with this sentiment, that is fleeting, as do all good things when I think too much – even in Gods’ virtue.
The first thing is, I’ll try not to break the fourth wall, and start addressing the reader. Hopefully all things can be said in vague references, outside of any personal anecdotes that would incriminate anyone.
But that is what I’d secondly like to talk about. I write. I will write. Whether in my journal, or on another blog, or in my books. I’ve got to. I’d float away if I stopped writing. You’d never see me again.
But that being said, I really ought to try and refrain from writing things that may do anyone psychological damage, emotional harm, or cause spiritual existentialism.
Last night was the first time I thought of a poem, and didn’t write it because, although it might be well understood, I knew it would help no one. It would only affirm our despairs – and therefore perhaps normalize it through poetry. So I did not write what I had to say.
And I’ll work to not write things that are upsetting, confusing, or build conflict. It’s disrespectful. However, if you were unlucky enough to see Typewriter Thursday, you can see that my intention of “slowing down” by writing with a typewriter, flew out the window that evening (I had somewhere to be).
:
You want the want. When someone knows they can have someone, they become less interested because the yearn for them isn’t circumstantially conditional.
“Love” is conditional. It depends on a lot of things. If it didn’t, homely homeless people would be with rich supermodels.
I have been raised with the idea that I am always doing something wrong. Everything I do deserves some sort of punishment in my belief system. Sometimes I do things wrong. We all do. But not everything I do is wrong, nor deserves insult. Because of this notion, I rarely accurately know if what I do is wrong or not. I think the good things I do are bad.
Further, I believe that everyone’s response to whatever I do, is punitive, or has a malicious intent – which is also not always the case.
Let’s look at some other complexes which accompany this:
On one side of the coin, you usually have someone who does not want to be responsible for someone who is a liability.
On the other side of the coin, you have someone who is afraid of getting close, of being vulnerable, lest they become dependent on the other person (who is likely to abandon them).
I fall into the latter, but have a bit of both, as most would.
My current conflict is navigating between trying to stay reliable for both myself, and someone else. I understand that this person has no obligation to me. Therefore it is unhealthy to entertain this fantasy, for both myself and them, because it creates a false reality which both of us appear dependent, which we are not.
I “should” be trying to explore other options to move on as a sign of a healthy progression in life, and to not do so, only confirms this false dependency. But I punish myself when I don’t abide with loyalty to this other person.
And if I get vulnerable, my alternative method is to run.
But inability to rationalize that I am not beholden to this person, and neither are they, either confirms a fear of being vulnerable with others, or unhealthy dependence.
So well, although I think that God/people/life are punishing, I don’t think I should blame myself for feeling this way, and being at this crossroads. I’m just trying to explain my side of the story in a way I know how, which is writing to strangers on the internet with one outlier.
The solution awaits. Tune in next Tuesday.
Ps.
It was Easter today. 1 year away from the end of the curse. I didn’t get up until 13:43. Night Terrors all night. I was supposed to go to church. I was supposed to be ready to swoon by noon. But I’m trying really hard, to just not be mad at myself for not having anything to have been accountable for for a while. I am happy as a general rule.
Ben Bonkoske 