A fear of mine is that someday I will dry up and have nothing left to say next week. I know somethings sound cliche, but I am amazed once and a while. I know it doesn’t always feel like the universe is aligned in some universal time schedule, (but everyone I text seems to knows all about numbers and their implied meanings), but I do think there is some kind of…timing that takes place in a bigger picture. Turned 27
I’m a wordsmith stuck in a numbers world. I’m sure a mathematician feels the universe is inverse to that notion.
Somewhere along the line, I renounced God. It hurt a little too much for a little too long. The story of Job is in the Bible for a reason. I don’t think that you just get to be worthy of a man in the bible just for being born. But, I think I am loved regardless of being human. I lost faith. Although I betrayed God, God did not betray me. And in God-like fashion, he returns to save the day.
I feel like I’ve been in purgatory for the past five years.
Also known as the waiting place. I was so confused. And I think that I was stuck in between moving on and holding on. I don’t think that doing either is necessarily a sign of strength, especially if you don’t know what the right answer is. But I do think that, at some time, if you are looking long enough, hopefully you will find your way to today. Only to see a few years have passed without drawing an organic breath.
I was in so much pain. I probably will be again, but if I know anything, it is to find myself when I lose the plot (says the guy who has been missing for 5 years!)
And there is a reason I haven’t celebrated my birthday since I was 18. I don’t think I was alive. In the real sense of the term – when you aren’t constantly preoccupied with somethings.
I can breathe.
And I shouldn’t just breath for myself when there is a genocide happening right now. I need to wake up and fight where there is a need. I’ll be teaching kids some humanitarian values tomorrow about the Venezuelan migrants. Maybe I should do some research. Just do what I can.
I don’t know what the future holds. I’m not even sure I know half of my past. I don’t know who I am. But I am. I look forward. I’ll look back. Tonight is a smile. Tomorrow is a frown. And I’ll miss the eclipse in my own right, but I’m so thankful I didn’t end my life in that deserted time period,
ps. there will be a proper apology someday, but thank you so much, with LOVE
Ben Bonkoske 