Hello World. It’s me. Mr. Bon.
I am opening up creatively. The space of not working (or rather chasing) is allowing me to actually breathe and think about (doing) what I love.
When I told my parents that I was going to dedicate this year to “writing,” I got this kinda bad feeling in my stomach of “What If I don’t live up to what I am saying?” and worse, I got a feeling of, “What if writing doesn’t hold up to this idealized notion I have of it in my head?”
Good news, writing is still well and good. I think it’s one of the hardest mediums of art; You have to have a little bit of either lunacy or idiocracy to write anything.
However, I am reawakening the notion that I am an Artist. I can make whatever I want! “Hell, there are no rules here – we’re trying to accomplish something.” – Thomas Edison
When I sat my confused, worried, grandparents down to let them down that I wasn’t going to teach, I told them what I also told my parents. “You have four (grand) kids. Only one of them happens to be an artist. Listen, it’s not what I wanted either, but I can’t change who I am.”
And the good news is, that with a little bit of space in between me and doing what everybody else thinks they should do in society, I am identifying a lot of the springs of my creativity. I feel like there was always something in the way of doing what I wanted.
I think one of the worst things about me is the big ideas I have with no follow-through – scratch that! Big Ideas and not having the time to do them because of societal norms! I personally believe the reason I haven’t made an album in 5 years is because I’ve been so focused on shit that I don’t care about but feel I should be. Also, I need to practice…and get a microphone.
It is the end of the quarter tomorrow in Chicago Public Schools. It is hard to acknowledge that time goes on whether you do anything or not. I mention this because I am possibly 1/4th through living this dream of doing what I love.
It’s going to be a lot harder of a conversation next year. But I might need to have it, again.
I can’t say yet that this quarter has been more fulfilling than if I’d been a teacher. However, I have a good feeling that the next quarter might allow me to get into a better groove of what I want to do. Art is slow.
Substituting is great and terrible. Of course I wish I could actually teach kids something important. However, I’m enjoying having fun with the students, and I’m still going in four times a week, so money for one isn’t much of a problem. It’s good to not have anything to think about when I get home. And to read and write for 50 minutes (the exact length of my attention span) during my free periods.
The school being a few blocks away isn’t bad either. I found a school that I like. I’d like to try and teach there. Maybe I’ll write more about that soon.
I am not looking forward to working the farmer’s market this summer, so I might want to look into alternatives, like a YMCA program or something.
So, anyways, let’s hope some good art comes of what is next.
P.S Doing The Artist’s Way with my sister?
Ben Bonkoske 