Today was tiresome. My young adult life has been centered around what I want and having others help me do whatever that is. Lately, I’ve been praying to be less selfish. And, in a small way, I feel like I am contributing to others’ lives just a little bit more while still remaining myself. It’s not only about me.
When I was suicidal, 15-27, I used to briefly mention how I was going to kill myself in conversations with close friends. And they would reply in a “Yeah, yeah, don’t do it,” aloof sort of way.
And now, when I joke about it, people respond very differently. “Please, Ben. Please do not kill yourself!” Either other people have come to recognize the plight some people endure. Or, maybe, just maybe, I mean something to people, they enjoy my existence, and maybe my life even gives them hope.
I really, really, really used to think everyone was lying, and deep down everyone contemplated suicide on a daily basis. I have lived to tell the tale, it is not so, and if you are in great pain, the worst part is that I can not help you other than to say that somehow, the pain ended for me one day.
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I have come to realize that we exist in a form and formless state. When one is writing, they are usually existing in a sort of form. or discipline. Or when teaching, there is a form to educating. However, when we have sex, sleep, or listen to music, we can become formless. We can dissolve our form, our thoughts, our obligations, and fears, and for a few seconds, they don’t exist, and sometimes, we forget we even exist. It can be quite a seductive feeling.
Working or thinking too much can create a rigid form, in the sense that it is very difficult to release yourself into the formless. Always thinking yourself back to form, thoughts, or things you must do.
So one might drink, smoke pot, use porn, or sex in excess to escape that rigid form, which isn’t really solving the root condition. You’ll only escape for a second or two, and then be bombarded with the responsibilities of your own ego crushing you.
I think my issue, like a few of us, is that we have some allegorical form that we are attached to, which we use as a lens to view reality, and this keeps us from being free or formless. Sometimes we just replace an old one with a new, better one.
All I have to say is the form is an illusion. Our thoughts can be illusions more than they can be objective truths. As well, the methods to become formless are an illusion unless one is formless.
One should attain a grounded frequency or vibration that does not result in one trying to break free of it. You have to free yourself, and then, if you so choose, engage in responsibility and ecstasy.
Ben Bonkoske 