Alright, let’s just try this out. I’m writing this on a Word document. I like writing on these documents, but deep down, I appreciate the informality of typing on a blog format; this feels like writing an essay in high school – especially when I am writing this in a high school – whose wi-fi I cannot access…
But anyways. Maybe this will be a good addition to Typewriter Tuesday. I often allude to the notion that what inhibits me most is a feeling of too much structure in my writing. I have always done better, and gone further, without limiting myself to form. If I hyperfocus on what I am trying to convey – a main idea, or theme – I usually will become a bit debilitated rather than just doing what I am doing now: writing from the heart, hoping for the best, talking naturally. Don’t you just hate when you have to force a conversation? We all do it sometimes.
I guess to check in, mentally I feel as though I have come back to an equilibrium. I am not depressed, nor am I overzealous. Sometimes I can still be a bit impulsive, or excitable, but hey, at least I’m not afraid to be who I am; I’m not holding myself back anymore out of unknown fears. I feel as though I am cognitively returning towards a better place than I have been in the past two and a half months, but pretty soon, I will titrate down again. Stay tuned.
I am utilizing my time so much more effectively this year (maybe it is due to some clarity and energy from lowering my medication). I’m sitting here, at work; I am given three fifty-minute periods per day to utilize as my heart desires. I have now decided that this is a good time to write my blog posts, so that when I get home in the evening, I can relax instead of rushing out some words for the public.
I’m also eating before my evening AA meeting (usually at 7). If I eat at 5, not only do I not have to cook and eat a late dinner (9 pm), but my food is digested, and I will get better sleep in addition to getting to bed earlier. It is little adjustments like these here and there, that over a long period of time, make a world of difference. The hope is that while I am writing these at work (Alas, Typewriter Tuesday, I cannot write in the teacher lounge without raising some eyebrows), then I can write a bit of the novel I’m working on before bed if I have the time and energy after an honest day’s work.
In reference to Typewriter Tuesday: I am learning the invaluable lesson that routine is essential (“Monday Night Poetry” kept me writing hundreds of poems over the course of five years. And it’s a tradition I hope to uphold.). “ Habit will sustain you longer than inspiration.” – Octavia Butler. However, create form so you can break it. Not break it but adjust it. It doesn’t have to be Monday “Night” Poetry. You could write Poetry in the morning, or on Tuesday. That’s just a starting point. Posts don’t have to look the way they did last year, or be on the same schedule. The best part of being an artist is that you get to make your own rules. I’m in a very malleable place right now in my process. And you get to watch! Beware, you might get a few extra emails. Ignore them if you do not want to read them; it’s ok!
Oh, and another thing to mention; Maybe it is the meds, but for the first time in my life I am disregarding art/writings. Sometimes that is a good thing, other times I worry it is out of laziness of not seeing an idea to fruition. But anyways, I’m going to sneak it in here that I am probably going to start putting these unpolished pieces behind a paywall. So really my paywall will mostly consist of stuff and ideas that I don’t think is good enough to be free. I have a very backward capitalist mentality in general. The freer you are the better. Some good ideas might be paid for, but those are the important ones, that deserve to be read, so somebody who actually has money to burn can pay me for my ideas, not you.
Ben Bonkoske 