High School Football captain doesn’t move.
A withdrawn champion.
He was the name of the game.
His memories passed down.
Poet Without a Pen
Ben Bonkoske
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Personal Style
Short is a style. Sure it is; think of Martin Scorsese, Kevin Hart, Woody Allen, and even Jack Black, dare I say – some guys pull it off – because it is a good feeling to be comfortable in your own skin. And maybe it’s more of an accomplishment when looks didn’t get you everything in life. But if you’re gonna be short, you gotta have style.
I was reading an article about Woody Allen. For many years, he’d make a film once a year – some good, some not so good. When he was asked if he thought his films would turn out better if he took two or three years to make them, he said it wouldn’t matter. He knows his own style. He knows how he works, thinks, and creates – heterodox as it may be.
You’ll read a lot of advice on how to write or make art in your lifetime. Last week, my advice came from David Sedaris, who said to focus on getting better at your craft, and the accolades will follow suit. This week, it is about how you have to do what works for you – not necessarily what works for everybody else.
Oppenheimer was criticized because he didn’t have “sitzflisch”- the ability to sit down in a chair for a long time and do the hard work. Another Physicist said, “His ideas are good, but his calculations are always wrong.” For good or bad, he is the mind that stood out in history.
I am able to churn out a page of poetry every Monday night, write weekly extemporaneous reflections, make YouTube videos most weeks, write and record songs, and complete writing 500-page novels in under a year. You want to know what I can’t do? Geometry and publication.
Now, should I focus on getting published and learning about Side Angle Side? Or should I do what God made me to do and be myself, regardless of whether or not it is the “right way?”
Donna Tartt takes nearly ten years to write a novel – and yes they are very good, but even she wrote a dud. Despite your process – whether it takes ten years or 20 minutes – it isn’t going to be perfect. It is going to be you.
I spent almost three years writing a collection of short stories in longhand that came out to 100 pages. Was it better than the first novel I wrote at twenty-one in less than a year? Arguably; But not definitively.
Call me a rough draft self-publisher til’ the day I die – my work isn’t going to be much better if it takes twice or ten times as long. For some, it might. I encourage you to take your time if that is how your mind works. You and I shouldn’t change who we are to suit one another.
Don’t disregard the fact that it took me a long time to get to this place – a place where I feel comfortable making art on my own time schedule. It isn’t about the hours you put into it; it is what you put into the hours. This is just me.
Be short with making your art if that happens to be you.
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Haley Heynderickx Live at Thalia Hall
Thalia Hall is just past the line of the South Side of Chicago, being that it is on a numbered street (18th Street), but technically it is in Chicago’s Westside, near Pilsen. I have lived in Chicago for the past four years, and visiting that neck of the woods was a good reminder that this city is layered, mammoth, and will always leave you with a notion that there are parts unknown and unexplored, even if you are a native.
There is a beneficial growth to that initial dread when you feel like you don’t belong with people at a new venue who appear to be 21st-century attractive, young, urban, unprofessionals. Because after a deep breath and a compliment, you remember you belong to the high society of fans of indie music – and will soon be in the presence of a musical genius who deserves to be in the ranks of Phoebe Bridgers and Adrianne Lenker.
Sometimes, I compare artists to the legacy that bore them, such as how we wouldn’t have Lady Gaga if it wasn’t for Madonna, or usually some much more satisfying apropos connection between two more obscured artists. Every artist takes inspiration from their predecessors. However, I would put Haley Heynderickz in a class of her own. This is because, above all, she is herself; What other soft-spoken, charming singer-songwriters who can communicate with insects do we have?
Sometimes, it is bad to meet your heroes, as was my experience with meeting Tyler the Creator. You also don’t get to know who someone truly is by seeing them sing on a stage for an hour and fifteen minutes, but I can not overemphasize that Haley Heynderickz is everything you could hope her to be based on what you draw from her music – Just a meek, sweet, kind person who is trying to understand as much as they are confounded by; Not to mention, a voice of peace found from her introspection.
Before she played, she acknowledged the heaviness the nation is feeling right now, and asked for us to try and be here with everyone instead of being on technology during the concert… at which point I put away my Canon 70D.
She opened with the song Gemini – the first song on her new album. It felt intimate and almost angry (in a good way). It wasn’t until about three songs into her set that two things happened.
1. We all relaxed, both us as a crowd and the band.
2. When she sang, while her band was playing so deliciously, there was a feeling of the soul being cleansed and purified, and everyone’s third eyes opened just a bit more. Mystical experiences through music are a beautiful thing, and to be honest, it felt like she was knocking on the door, but we wouldn’t let her in. Not because I was afraid to answer the door but because I was too trapped in my Chicago Apartment little lifestyle.
You realized that she/they are not playing the songs that they think the audience necessarily wants to hear (primarily from her first album), they are playing what they want to play – which is all the difference in the world of a major metropolitan city and being from a small city of outcasts – Portland, Oregon.
People care too much about what is supposed to be done on cue, especially at a show, but there was no posturing on stage. The musicians weren’t trying to be anything besides who they are. So, thank you. Thank you for reminding me to forget about everyone so we all can be felt as one without insecure fashion statements.
About halfway through the set, I noticed something about the music of her new album Seed of a Seed. It was Happy music. She said that this album was about the introspection of her 30s vs. the existentialism of her 20s that was the basis of her first album, I Need to Start a Garden. I think the world needs more music that makes us feel lighter.
After she finished playing her new album, she continued onto a few oldies, including No Face – which I think is one of the deepest, most heart-wrenching songs of the decade. All I can say is, I am happy that I got to see it in case we all die before next year. And then we all boogied to Oom Sha La La.
The band’s banter was down-to-earth. Haley explained that this was the biggest show she had ever played and that her mother still wanted her to be a nurse. Art is no promised land. It is a beautiful place to live in our hearts, but it is not necessarily a luxurious lifestyle. I feel very grateful to have seen her play at this stage in her artistic journey. Even though it was a large show, it was very intimate.
Finally, she gave a good reminder that you don’t need a paintbrush or a guitar to be an artist; the greatest art we can create is the relationships we have. It was not a ‘“perfect” show; it was a show that had a good heart. And I think we all walked away happier, kinder, and gentler humans because of it.
Ben Bonkoske is the author of two novels, Spoon in the Road, and Carolina, Colorado, California. He is also the author of two collections of short stories, Ten Zen by Ben, and Eleven Stories for 11:11. He lives in Chicago, where he likes to take walks.
B. A, M.A.T.
Ben Bonkoske 