We’re not at home, not reliably,
in the interpreted world – Rainer Maria Rilke

My therapist has given me an assignment. I am supposed to write what I yearn for, and how I am going to make it happen. So let’s see. He has a model, but I swear I got so many C’s on assignments in my life because I didn’t follow a format or “respond to the prompt” correctly. So I’m not gonna screw myself by limiting myself by not doing it the way I envision it.

I yearn to write.

I yearn to love.

I yearn to be happy.

I yearn to be funny.

I yearn to love.

Let’s not complicate the fundamentals of life. That is all I want. There is a guy I know who says he feels the most powerful when he makes his wife laugh. This coming from a crooked, broken individual – as we all are. Makes me smile.

Of course I would like to support myself financially and the way I am going to do that is by being a teacher. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Would I rather be in my underwear, sleeping until 1 pm, writing a word a day? Sometimes. But most days, if I can bring myself to wake up, I’m just so happy to be in a school. It is aligned with my values. I’m kinda sad that I’m not that type of writer who dedicates himself only to the craft, day and night – as I wrote a very good novel with this method – and I have worries that because of this I won’t reach my fullest potential with the english language, however, it might be just as important to reach the fullest poetential of my soul.

I yearn to write something that will help someone transcend the pain of life. I forget this quite often, because I think I want to write books that will get girls to like me. That’s not to say that those romanticized narratives aren’t sometimes important or won’t help someone. I think they do. They sure help (ed) me.

I want to escape the pain of life! Am I the only one who is miserable here? I seriously have exhausted a lot of the proximate options of daily life – take a walk, watch porn, (don’t) smoke, candy, run, get food, go out, watch a movie, read a book, maybe paint or write. I mean, my alternative is Walk to New York, Bike to California, or Motorcycle across South America! I am trying to find the middle way of those two philosophies of life, but it sure does get hard when the solution for my problems often come down to getting a hotdog again. Maybe I should just walk off.

The point is, I think that there will always be an underlying sadness to life. However, I think that it is possible to change my life to make my direct options enjoyable, and build my core belief system and thoughts on a positive plane. I haven’t done it entirely yet, but! I do have more good days than bad days. And the things I have done to achieve this inner strength has been therapy, exercise, hydration, support groups, sobriety, a lot of writing, and trying to abstain from other indulgences – bed on time doesn’t hurt.

What do I yearn for? I yearn to tell people that life is possible. I want the next person who comes along on this earth to know that they can face their problems and do the things they want/need. I want to show them by my own actions.

I yearn to write the longest most beautiful book ever written about the redemptive qualities of love. So I need to Motorcycle across South America. So I will Take motorcycle lessons and learn Spanish.

I yearn to motorcycle across South America so that I can banish the fears of people that look different from you – from both sides.

I yearn to go on a road trip across Europe with my best friend and explore any underlying emotions of our relationship so I won’t have unanswered questions. I love him, and I yearn to be unafraid of all forms of love and beauty.

I yearn to sail around the oceans in a sailboat alone. So that I can be alone with the world, respect that it can end my life with the blow of the wind, and learn its secrets.

I yearn to fly around the earth in a plane, to show that man can conquer the earth.

I yearn to tell the girl I love, I love her. I always will.

I yearn to get married, have a family, and a nice home.

How will I do all this? I have my ways. But these are written in an order. So I do them as I become ready to do them.

But one last thing I also yearn, I yearn to tell someone that it’s ok that things change, and life may come and you/I won’t be able to do everything written in The Book of Benjamin Bonkoske, and I was happy, fulfilled, and free in every way.