Poet Without a Pen
Ben Bonkoske
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Fake it, Make it, Rake it in
Sometimes sad music is the vibe. But sometimes it is good to rock out. I’ve been wallowing so much for a long lil’ while. And all I can attribute it to is twofold. The first is a chemical recalibration of the dopamine in my brain. The other is just holding onto who I once was, and would’ve died to have been.
Reframing thought and emotional patterns in your brain is no easy work. It is like working out – if you run five miles and then do three sets of your max, it will probably will screw you. You can’t just not love someone tomorrow, or know how to be empathetic with others and yourself, or pray for life over death with the snap of your fingers. As far as I am aware there is no spell that can Alacazam a person into similitude perfection from your former self.
But sometimes we need to say goodbye to that old self. That old person we loved. I think that there is a part of me that has been in a constant subtle psychotic episode for the past nine years. Not so much that I have been out of touch with reality, of which I have been in many capacities, but more so that I have been out of touch with who I am, and who I supposed I was.
It is peaceful to be at peace with who I’ve become. Not who I wanted to be, or who others want, but just who I ended up as.
It’s not about the name changes, or the introverted extroverted archetypes I’ve invented, the Love God complexes, or infamous reputations that nobody cared about – well, maybe it was. And I don’t know what it is about if not all those constituents, but I think it is just the difference between mourning sad music, and changing your tune.
Ten Zen by Ben is live on Barnes and Noble. It’s a book I’d rather have find you through the grapevine. But I don’t mind people picking the fruit I sowed.
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Kid, Hollywood is a Dreamsicle
The veins on my hand are much more pronounced. They are beautiful hands. I never noticed, although I would have bragged, that I have scars on my knuckles. They are from a day I couldn’t make sense of it all. Couldn’t tell you what went wrong, but I know what it was.
Tonight’s main conception is about marginal improvement. I would say that my life is 100% better than it was two years ago. However, there is only a 2% difference in my quality of life. The 100% improvement is related to my diet, exercise, and living situation. The 2% difference is the way I respond, accept or deny my life. I don’t see myself punching a brick wall tonight, or tomorrow. I may cry this month, but I know I will laugh. That 2% difference is, although very subtle, paramount.
Perhaps it is just getting older. Perhaps it is the routine of life becoming more common. Having gone to the same store, and bought the same food, and been with the same people long enough to know yourself. Perhaps it is. I tell my twenty-two year old friends that life gets easier only because it becomes much more familiar to us. The more days we’ve had, the more days in class we have fucked off.
Enough classes to learn something.
I wonder what my next depression bout will look (or sound like). Perhaps I will get to the point where I will no longer wonder. I will know every emotion I will ever feel. But today, I didn’t wallow when I was discomfortable. I didn’t blow the day off because life is terrible. I didn’t do what I do 98% of the time. And that 2%, is more than a marginal improvement.
Ben Bonkoske is the author of two novels, Spoon in the Road, and Carolina, Colorado, California. He is also the author of two collections of short stories, Ten Zen by Ben, and Eleven Stories for 11:11. He lives in Chicago, where he likes to take walks.
B. A, M.A.T.
Ben Bonkoske 