Ben Bonkoske

  • Bread and

    Well, well, look who’s decided to thumb through my thoughts. I do inherently believe that someone who does not hide away all of their secrets – best to be kept for themselves, but instead shares their mid-twenties wisdom for the world to know – makes us jest with progressive insight. What a delight.

    My first note will be the underwhelming emptiness that I alone feel, along with the rest of the off-webbers. There is something about how uncompelling, nor fulfilling all the most-important relationships are in my life after the evidently superior holiday to rejoice in such a present. I think that not being able to run for the next few weeks (and the past few days) also plays a part. This is it.

    I am lucky to have approximately a hundred close friends and relatives. When I was in college, and/or when I moved back to Chicago, I had maybe twelve total. So many people who care – about me! And I them?

    I feel as though all relationships are passing. Sometimes sharing a good meal at a fast food restaurant that lasts an hour longer than it should, is just as important as people you see every week for a long while (out of enjoyable obligation). But the weeks will end, and the people will go. Or I will.

    I miss people who haven’t left yet, because I know I won’t know them ten years hence. I miss people I loved, because I don’t know when I’ll see them again. I suppose this next anecdote really is one I thought as one of my best thoughts – but if I open with a sentiment about sharing wisdom, I ought to stay true to my word.

    Love is not past tense. I did not loved you. I do not loved you. I love you. Whoever, and whenever we may pass one another or part. Maybe I don’t know everyone. And I certainly don’t know everything (I know I wouldn’t like it if I did), but I love where our roads cross, with the click of a clock, whether for a summer, a year, or an hour. I am only alone as I am with no one. Goodbye again, hello.

  • Let’s all calm down

    That was a difficult Christmas. I say was, because, it is past. Christmas truly used to be a two week ordeal. This year it was two nights, and both were hard – for different reasons. The difference between something difficult and something impossible, is knowing that others are right there along with you in military-like duty to be there for each other.

    Maybe writing about your difficulties online isn’t attractive, poetic, professional, or necessary, but I enjoy doing it. Perhaps it will change when I have a hundred student’s snooping, and administration supporting me all the way through to the finish line. (When I was student teaching I deleted a plethora of blog posts because I thought they were incriminatingly personal, which they may have been – everything to do with my love life was deleted – but in the end I just want to work somewhere that accepts me for who I am.) I believe I have something worth sharing, whatever it is this year.

    Christmas eve morning was very hard for no reason. It was just very empty, and I fill emptiness with mourning. In It’s a Wonderful Life (The movie my mom watched on repeat the last two days she was alive), George Bailey wears a black band around his arm to show he is mourning. I wanted to wear one this year, but I’m not much of a tailor. Maybe I should ask someone.

    Christmas with your family is both very fun and bad.

    Just because I’m not afraid to share things that are personal doesn’t mean that I wish to. I wasn’t mad at anybody this year, seriously. I’m not even mad at myself this year. Family is an imperfect people, but it’s not my place to change the world. The rest is history.

  • the master

    As my sausage sizzles with a drip of olive mixed in with the pasta on my stovetop, high frequency music reverberates through my nervous system elucidating new pathways for insight and bold creative virtue. Wild how long it can become between writing a sentence that eases me to that level of delight.

    You can rush, and run, and repeat everything so extensively that your forget how to articulate yourself. The body can write for you. But I must admit, what my sight has lost (apart from long distance vision which requires spectacles nowadays because of prolonged proximate reading), is to not just fill up posts with documentation of my annunciation of my everyday life – struggles and small time strides. Although, perhaps it is, to write to write.

    Right before a long hiatus, I left with a anecdote about Stephen King, whom loves the joys of typing very much. My new anecdote is about how when he was a teacher, he wrote a book in a week during spring vacation (Hopefully this new anecdote doesn’t result in a year without posting.) The reason I bring up this is because I have until roughly the 7th of January, in which I will interview to begin substitute teaching. That is 17 days to pull together a book that should be published by now. The “sequel” to Ten Zen by Ben. It is a few days overdue. Let me mention that when it has been almost three years (999 days since today) since you (self) published a book, you really forget all of the nuances that go into it. Formatting, editing, revising, publishing, printing, reprinting, reformatting, typesetting, all aside from writing the damn thing.

    Ten Zen by Ben comes out to about 100 pages. I had proven to myself with my first 1,000 pages that I could write a lot if I wanted. Ten Zen was about proving I can write well. The next ten books I write will just prove that I am a writer. When I broke my own silence strike, I began with the sentence, “I am not perfect.” No, Benjamin, I am not.

    I try my best. There has been a small accounted for period where I have given only 70-80% of myself. Not guilty. I will sign off with this, I passed my content exam – the final requirement for me to earn my masters and teacher licensure. You need a 240 to pass, and the first time I took it I scored 238. Those two points amount to about one more correct answer needed for me to pass out of the 100 questions on the exam. This is how I made up that one point: I didn’t had a drink or a drug for two years, I didn’t smoke a cigarette for 18 months, I blacked out my room, I ran, I ate oatmeal, eggs, salads, salmon, and tons of vitamins, I used aroma therapy, I made sure to go to bed before 11 every chance I could, I listened to binaural beats to boost brain function, I stopped eating candy, pastries, or ice cream, I stopped drinking soda, I took cold showers, I slept on the floor, I prayed, practiced yoga, and meditation.

    Did I study? 70-80%. But I won by tactic.

Bencbon@gmail.com

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