Things are taking much longer but time is moving much quicker. I am unprepared and under-educated to write for you all tonight. There is history being made in the next room of a blue, white-haired balding bunny politicizing for president. I wish Davy Crockett hats were still in style because it just looks like two rowdy boys battling over a girl to me. America the beautiful. It all just a beauty contest. Thank you, JFK, risking your life for change. I don’t think a president does enough unless he is killed. I had a bad Bern, and now I am just applying Biden sunscreen. It makes me sick people would rather take the safe route of no progress leading to nowhere than stand for a revolution. Change. What is different? Surely not progress. The Government was designed to move slowly. The social and cultural movements are a result of the people but warriors hate each other for being the same. It is a little ironic the recent atrocities that have occurred when we are a red nation, and how boring we can be when we feel blue (with the exception of a blowjob). It just seems like an expensive argument. I wrote a little constitution last night of all of the things I am going to implement in my life and one of the final things I wrote  I was going to carry as a reputable character trait was that I was going to be informed about our nation’s state of affairs. I know nothing, I see nothing. Perhaps it is because I haven’t left the nest but the only thing that politicians and the people mutually care about is the economy. Is the economy good, is the economy bad? Are we going to fix it, are we going to continue the same way we have been for the past four years? It is all just mumbo jumbo because nobody knows which policies actually make the difference or if the clown in charge actually persuades the people. I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t care. I am stupider than I was three days ago and hooked on a sweet tooth. I’d bet I gain back my four pounds and I doubt that is making any headline. I really hope it never does. The weight of celebrities seems to be a wonderful topic to gobble and gulp down like nicotine. I just think that everybody’s values are a little blindsided. And here I am, not listening to another white man who says he’s going to make a difference. Perseverance.

I need to find a way to enjoy myself without killing myself. I was just so bored with being good, surely people who drink every day can understand a release. Today, I was like a sailor lost at sea on a beautiful boat. It would have been nice for you to be here, but frankly, it was an ugly reminiscent of my speed days (and nights). I sit here with foggy regret over a pack of cancerous, motivation-inhibiting, focus dilapidating yummy gummy bears at four o’clock in the morning. Two cups of coffee and half a pizza. I even rooted on my arch enemy. I don’t know why I have so much guilt over things that aren’t worth a sweat. I let go of everything I had pent up because of my horoscope. If I can be so easily swayed by an app I downloaded two days ago, I worry about any “progress” I’ve made. I think I edited five, maybe six chapters which is a beautiful feat, but I have a trembling worry that it won’t matter because I don’t have a reliable editor. I’m contemplating taking things into my own hands, but that is how you end up with a bullet in the head. I will admit, I don’t think I was anymore happy today after I broke my promises to myself. Perhaps more productive, but if I had just TRIED before I acted, I would probably be just as far along, and twice as happy. I’m debating if I should start over with Alice in Wonderland, because I know, for the next three weeks, my work will be compromised. It is an ugly thing to live so dangerously – even now as I glimpse in the mirror I’m afraid I won’t recognize me. And such a beautiful living when you do everything right. Even now, I see that there are clustered words and a shorter manuscript. It is worth the rare moment, but never in the long term. I will just have to start over, “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne ceaselessly into the past.” #neveragain its a learning game

too much of the right thing goes sour. I am overwhelmed by doing so little that it is agonizing. To my surprise, I’m very bad at disguising all of my short-comings and flaws. To anyone, even people who don’t deserve to know me. I hate that I am nowhere where I want to be and I don’t have anybody to cradle me. It is one direction or sink. Sometimes I laugh at how lucky I am, but it always comes back around and I realize I only feel that way because of how much I read. Books make me dream bigger than my reality. They take me away from modernity My greatest fear is being redundant or saying the same thing over and over but there are only so many things you can spy with your little eye until it comes full circle. A simple checklist might save my life. You know what I need? Exactly what is coming for me. Tomorrow and I wouldn’t be the half bit surprised if it stole away all the meandering, subtle, unenjoyable, slow progress I equate to not smoking. I don’t want to reread Alice in Wonderland over a spice that doesn’t serve me. I remember being this bitter the last time I made this much progress and at the end of the day, the simplest way to be happy for yourself, is to just be happy for others. It is not a damn contest and it is a shame that that is the angle that I look down from. I don’t want to be a redheaded academic, and I respect the man who was able to walk on the shore a little longer than the world might have implored. I had all my dreams come true a few nights ago, but then I woke up. I am very sensitive – to the extent of being insecure whenever someone tells me there is something wrong with the way I process words. It is not like classical piano, there is no correct way to write a sentence – well, grammar, but I, am a poor poet that will happily die penniless while the young girls swoon for me from my grave. I’m looking forward to it these days. It is not worth the complications of marriage, or the disaster and hazards of love for the living. I don’t know what, or why I end up being so nice to people and rude to other prospects. It usually has to do with how much they threaten me if I’m just being honest. Honesty, what a joke in this fucking filthy world. It all doesn’t make sense to me. How we can all lie in front of one another and happily stab them in the back once they leave. I’ve seen it with my own ears.