Ben Bonkoske

I’m really good at taking the joy out of life. Like a bad scientist, and I’m the lab rat. I’m getting nowhere. Fast. The world is catching up and I’m falling behind. And I’m falling, falling, falling. Falling like a snowflake. Uniquely worthless. Dancing towards disaster. If there wasn’t a struggle, I don’t suppose I would deserve all that I look forward to. Success without joy. These days dreams are becoming nightmares. A dead-end job ending me up dead is my highest expectation. I compare myself to everyone, and as I said, I’m falling behind. There is too much talent for this shallow world. No one worth loving. No one listening. No one to die for. Time is unfair because whenever you have it, you waste it until there is none of it left. Then you are old. Everyone insists I’m young but I think that is just a good excuse to not listen to me. When I care so much, everything means so much less. It isn’t worth it. It’s lonely and isolating, but what? Have you ever expected less? You used to go to Lollapalooza by yourself. You used to have things to look forward to. But now I just think back to everything that made me happy sourly. I’m a grumpy old cat. I make promises I can’t keep to myself. I’m mentally deteriorating. I have hatred in my heart I can’t deny and my god, I’d like to just be alone. By everyone. For long enough to remember where I hid my smile. It just feels like when I finally found happiness, I lost it. Purposefully.