Ben Bonkoske

  • Quality (time)

    My last few posts have been shorter than usual. Sometimes they have deep meaning thrust upon them, and other times, they are just mindless words to fill up an obligation of writing on the familiar nights that you may expect to see me pop up into your life. Ha, I’m basically a pop-up ad. I can’t remember a single pop-up ad that has any resonance in my life, but still, it is better than nothing. Occasionally they are funny. We need a good laugh at how meaningless things are these days. The world on fire and I’m still aspiring to be a dancing artiste. I think we are at capacity for oblivious romantics (and my singing voice really hasn’t gotten much better, though I am trying). A good satire I’ve been binging on weekends (my only breaks – but it starts on Thursdays) is very good at pointing out all of my flaws and excuses that I identify with as a poet without a pen. “I’ll be obscure by choice.” When I was roughly 17 I said, “I’m as famous as I’d ever want to be.” Fame is a strange thing that is only meaningful when you assume you bring meaning to other people’s lives by your own presence. I feel the same way. I’d only want to be as famous as I was at 17. I don’t know if I have a talent that the world can’t live without, but I like to think I make people happy. People make me happy somedays, but I’ve written…”I like people, but I also hate them most of the time.” Page 13. The lucky number I’m always striving towards. It might’ve meant more if I was happy with myself, but I think we both thought of selling ourselves short. I look back and shake my head. I caught a roughly sixty-year-old man today, out on a walk in the rain, burning a roach. He politely offered it to me, and I’m very lucky to be at the point in my life where I could laugh it off. He then called me fat by saying I’d lost weight. I got over it with a bowl of ice cream. I hope I never become a prig about other people’s indulgences. We all have vices and it is best to be polite about it. We had a thirty-minute heady discussion, getting soaked, and not caring about how we were a world apart. Our differences were simply hiding. I laugh at my legacy. It really wouldn’t mean much to leave behind, but thankfully, tonight, I have a reason to live. Bluffing. My life is occupied by pride. Not lust, just. Joy that comes from sharing a figurative beer with someone you love. My sister is very crabby, but I think I love her the most. Rub some tiger balm onto my temple, and listen for the alarm to go off.

    ,
  • Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison – Book Review

    I have never been so glad, and have had so much trouble, to finish a novel. Well, that’s not true. On my old schedule I read maybe three or four books a year and I rarely ever finished them, but seriously I found this book a difficult hump to get over. I wanted to throw it across the room multiple times out of mundane language and boredom. It was not bad, it just felt a little gratuitous and screamed of an author’s first book. If it was not good, then Spoon in the Road was absolute garbage (I know). Invisible Man follows a nameless protagonist through his evolution from Southern schoolboy to New York degenerate. If I was being honest, I would suggest that you read the first five chapters and throw it out after that. I believe the book was initially written in part for a magazine, and the first 100 pages are quite good, but after that, there is supposed symbolism, rambling, and uninspired conflict. Stephen King says that writers have idealized “the novel” and many of us try too hard to write one when it is better to master the craft of short stories, rather than poorly execute a longer narrative. I agree with him (especially in this case), and my current 700-page opus of a sequel, would be much better off if I had the skills to properly write it.

    The story follows a man at a southern college who accidentally reveals the ugly underbelly of the school to a white man of importance and is banished from the college to go to New York to find work. He has a knack for speaking and a revolutionary organization shepherds him through leading a movement. He discovers that this organization, The Brotherhood, is callous and he ends up empathizing with a man named Ras the Destroyer who believes that race is of fundamental importance between the alternative movements. It ends with a riot and him disappearing into a hole in the wall.

    The transformation from a man filled with yessus to the white man, into an invisible attuned rebellious avant-garde is the redeeming plot in the story. For every 100 pages, there are maybe a few sentences worth of good insight. The rest is action. He said, she said, I did, then this. It is the narrator going from job to the next without much purpose. At times Ralph Ellison makes you want to believe in what the narrator is doing, like it has meaning, but I just don’t buy it. The narrator never holds a job long enough to feel any empathy for what he is doing, how well he is swimming, or why he is there. I believe it isn’t until the 325th page that there is recurrent dialogue from a character earlier in the book. That is another thing, except for the first hundred pages, most of the characters are wooden, forgetful caricatures. I didn’t relate or have any sympathy for any of them (even when they died). I somehow was swept away with the little excursion, but it could have been half as long. Some parts are fun, but the rest are understimulating, occasionally difficult to digest, and overly drawn out. When I read a book, I don’t want my main concern to be when I’m going to finish it. It earns some points for still being contemporary since race rebellion and identity are still very modern issues. It just wasn’t very deep. It is as if I wrote a children’s book about being pro-choice. You might get the point, but it’s a concept that could be explained to a child. It was overcomplicated simple virtues. Not very compelling.


    70/100

    ,
  • Quiete

    I’m so glad I have something rudimentary to keep me in check. After a day of truly recluding back into habits I haven’t exhibited for the last nine months, I’ve finally taken a deep breath and have become annoyed with my pedantic attitude. I WATCH TV LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE. I don’t want to. We all need some form of release, a guilty pleasure, and yes, I feel very guilty after my day of hedonism. I’m intrinsically ugly. It is easy to hate yourself. I apologize for imposing those beliefs on beautiful little girls, but I suppose we all need to grow up someday. My head hurts and I’m planning a getaway to the Smoky mountains. I suppose it is best to try and be better than your previous self, but I peaked long ago, and I regret myself for it. I honestly worry about my lonely funeral. I just wouldn’t want to make a big fuss when I go. I’m nothing special. Doing what I love has proven how bad I am at it. Write a page worth reading. I’d be lucky if I achieved that before I’m thirty. I just don’t want to be anybody besides an old believer. Perhaps I’m running myself dry, but I highly doubt that. I have nothing I enjoy. I have gone back to just escaping. An escape artist. Ha, not even I believe that.

    ,
  • Quantum physics

    Since it is after midnight (my bedtime) I can tell that tomorrow (today) is going to be utterly useless. Really not a great day to fall behind schedule. The day before everything important happens. Today. I’m already behind so it’s not important. I’m very lucky to have some people who love me unconditionally, and others who expect much better of me, so I am awkwardly balancing on a tightrope between being an absentee ballot and Joe Biden. I have no idea what I’m saying. I’m at least not cranky. I’ve been cranky for the past few days because I’ve been taking it easy. I shouldn’t be. I should seriously consider all of my integrity complexities. Completely, useless. Somebody, talk to me. I feel like me and Yeezy might have more in common than we think. I hate how famous he already be. So many people my age doing incredible things and here I am, in the basement, huffing paint. Not really, but I’m sure this wine cellar was not made for literary achievements. I am making strides but they are so slow they look like inchworms getting away from me. I’d rather that than slowly disintegrating. I’m not a weenie, but I ain’t doing enough to get into any clubs that wouldn’t have me.

    ,
  • Qunt

    Wow. Angsty. Almost sour. I’m happy. Believe me. I’m happiest when I’m sad though. It is good to know there are still things to cry over. Still reasons to be in love. Still a fight worth losing. Memories that hurt enough to see tomorrow. It is important to have problems with the ones we love. It wouldn’t be fun if it was easy. 10 years wouldn’t be worth it if it wasn’t hard, to look back at without thinking, “I can’t believe we made it, and I wouldn’t have made it without you.” Maybe someday I will see. I’m not jealous of everybody else. I have enough things I worry about that I can actually change. I’m tired of listening to the same sad songs. Music gives me so much more meaning than competitive reading. I miss being fun. I miss having fun. I miss being prophetic, but now I am like a young Bukowski. Bitter as a flower seed. I’m better off alone. No one to hurt but me.

    Yours,

    happily.

    ,