Ben Bonkoske

  • Haley Heynderickx Live at Thalia Hall

    Thalia Hall is just past the line of the South Side of Chicago, being that it is on a numbered street (18th Street), but technically it is in Chicago’s Westside, near Pilsen. I have lived in Chicago for the past four years, and visiting that neck of the woods was a good reminder that this city is layered, mammoth, and will always leave you with a notion that there are parts unknown and unexplored, even if you are a native.

    There is a beneficial growth to that initial dread when you feel like you don’t belong with people at a new venue who appear to be 21st-century attractive, young, urban, unprofessionals. Because after a deep breath and a compliment, you remember you belong to the high society of fans of indie music – and will soon be in the presence of a musical genius who deserves to be in the ranks of Phoebe Bridgers and Adrianne Lenker.

    Sometimes, I compare artists to the legacy that bore them, such as how we wouldn’t have Lady Gaga if it wasn’t for Madonna, or usually some much more satisfying apropos connection between two more obscured artists. Every artist takes inspiration from their predecessors. However, I would put Haley Heynderickz in a class of her own. This is because, above all, she is herself; What other soft-spoken, charming singer-songwriters who can communicate with insects do we have?

    Sometimes, it is bad to meet your heroes, as was my experience with meeting Tyler the Creator. You also don’t get to know who someone truly is by seeing them sing on a stage for an hour and fifteen minutes, but I can not overemphasize that Haley Heynderickz is everything you could hope her to be based on what you draw from her music – Just a meek, sweet, kind person who is trying to understand as much as they are confounded by; Not to mention, a voice of peace found from her introspection.

    Before she played, she acknowledged the heaviness the nation is feeling right now, and asked for us to try and be here with everyone instead of being on technology during the concert… at which point I put away my Canon 70D.

    She opened with the song Gemini – the first song on her new album. It felt intimate and almost angry (in a good way). It wasn’t until about three songs into her set that two things happened.

    1. We all relaxed, both us as a crowd and the band.

    2. When she sang, while her band was playing so deliciously, there was a feeling of the soul being cleansed and purified, and everyone’s third eyes opened just a bit more. Mystical experiences through music are a beautiful thing, and to be honest, it felt like she was knocking on the door, but we wouldn’t let her in. Not because I was afraid to answer the door but because I was too trapped in my Chicago Apartment little lifestyle.

    You realized that she/they are not playing the songs that they think the audience necessarily wants to hear (primarily from her first album), they are playing what they want to play – which is all the difference in the world of a major metropolitan city and being from a small city of outcasts – Portland, Oregon.

    People care too much about what is supposed to be done on cue, especially at a show, but there was no posturing on stage. The musicians weren’t trying to be anything besides who they are. So, thank you. Thank you for reminding me to forget about everyone so we all can be felt as one without insecure fashion statements.

    About halfway through the set, I noticed something about the music of her new album Seed of a Seed. It was Happy music. She said that this album was about the introspection of her 30s vs. the existentialism of her 20s that was the basis of her first album, I Need to Start a Garden. I think the world needs more music that makes us feel lighter.

    After she finished playing her new album, she continued onto a few oldies, including No Face – which I think is one of the deepest, most heart-wrenching songs of the decade. All I can say is, I am happy that I got to see it in case we all die before next year. And then we all boogied to Oom Sha La La.

    The band’s banter was down-to-earth. Haley explained that this was the biggest show she had ever played and that her mother still wanted her to be a nurse. Art is no promised land. It is a beautiful place to live in our hearts, but it is not necessarily a luxurious lifestyle. I feel very grateful to have seen her play at this stage in her artistic journey. Even though it was a large show, it was very intimate.

    Finally, she gave a good reminder that you don’t need a paintbrush or a guitar to be an artist; the greatest art we can create is the relationships we have. It was not a ‘“perfect” show; it was a show that had a good heart. And I think we all walked away happier, kinder, and gentler humans because of it.

  • I’ve Started a Garden

    I biked 15 miles tonight to Thalia Hall, where I saw one of my favorite Artists – Haley Heynderickx. One doesn’t always have a lot to say when they are all petered out, but with vigorous activity combined with spiritual musical enjoyment, sometimes there is a word or two that one wishes to reflect upon.

    I visited my parents this weekend. About a year ago, I visited them, and there were a few moments of sunlight, peace, and enjoyment – but mostly it was convoluted cynicism, conceit, and criticism. What a difference a year can make. It is so nice when you let the sunshine in. I gave them my amends to them – it only took six years of being in recovery.

    Tonight, I saw some music. I hope to write up a full piece on the experience, but here I will be a little more candid.

    In January of this year, I visited the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. It was the first time as an adult that I felt out of place and not good enough to be where I was, despite whether or not I deserved a seat at the concert.

    I got that same feeling for the first ten minutes at Thalia Hall tonight.

    But then you/I break the ice for no reason besides we all share some unknown commonality. I told a girl that her sweater looked like a baseball (I like baseball!); I saw a friend’s ex-girlfriend who had a hot dog and exclaimed how Chicago it was; I declared that this Haley Heynderickx concert should be a national holiday; a guy asked about my camera.

    And there I stood, us three short men in a row about to listen to the female anthems of the 21st century, and I belonged, for no reason, I did.

    Now a few thoughts walked in and out of my brain during the show.

    The first notion has to do with art…and love…

    I have to be honest – I wrote books and got sober so that girls would like me.

    And thank God I did.

    You get better at something by doing it, regardless of the reason behind it, and lo and behold, if you learn to love something, it will change you. Writing and sobriety have made me such a better person; I don’t know exactly why, but I think the fact that I don’t write short stories and help men who are struggling with addiction recover so that I can get a blowjob is a good start.

    I struggle with women, man. I also think this is a good thing; You want to know why? Because I have such great faith in women (and yes, love). I esteem them so highly and believe there is a girl or a woman, or women out there who are so extraordinary that sometimes I get all nervous. But I write in the belief that their character is valid and important in my own and the human psyche. I just struggle with why I love them so much, I fear them.

    My only hope is that someday I will find some beautiful female incel and we will happily make art, write poems, sing and dance, and have good virtues.

    Oh, and this is a tangent of this reflection. I am also so happy I didn’t pressure my ex-girlfriend(s) into some delusional traditional marriage love story where we got married young, and both would have hated our lives and each other by the time we were thirty. Not because we were wrong for each other, but because I think there are false ideas people can be pressured into believing that can cost them their whole life – and someone else’s.

    I’m really glad I’m getting to live through my twenties on my own. Not because I don’t want someone to be with, but because I know what I want now. When I was younger, I was doing what I thought I was supposed to want to do because I was pressured into doing it for reasons I didn’t even know.

    And I’ll end with this. Haley Heynderickx said that anyone can be an Artist; You don’t need a paintbrush or a guitar. What she said is, “Some of the most beautiful artists are those who make their relationships with others their art.”

    She has a famous song called I Need To Start A Garden (which I sang almost every syllable along with her tonight.)

    I realized that I have started my garden, and my garden is all of my friends.

    I have to tend to them, and yes, perhaps there are too many plants in my house, and weeds, and some that have died from neglect.

    But when me and my father forgave each other somewhere along the road, I realized I was not waiting for life, life was waiting for me. This I know, because it is still here after I left it unattended so many years ago.

    I will be in the garden.

  • Flash Fiction Friday #3

    There is a knock on a door. 

    “Mr. Johnson?”

    “Yes.”

    “It seems that your son has been in an accident.”

    “What happened?”

    “Your boy was hung on a tree.”

    “Oh, dear God. Jesus, no.”

    The man weeps but holds himself up to look the policeman in the eye.

    “Yeah, these parts are getting pretty dangerous. You might want to think about moving.”

Bencbon@gmail.com

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