I

I have been having too much fun and am negating my writing – Says no one in 2024. The good news is that I am opening up creatively and am grateful to be focusing on making art despite how ridiculous that sounds to the average American.

Everyone is looking at me with sullen eyes, and sending me job opportunities. So ironic that when I was trying my best to be a part of Team USA, nobody was hiring. So, no thank you very much, I am going to prolong my degeneracy and disappointment/confusion of those who love me and be an artist.

What are you doing? They ask.

Well, nothing in particular.

Maybe reading and writing and making a few videos every once in a while. But to be creative, you need time to do “nothing.” You need space from “everything.”

I can not convey how much of a difference it makes to not be preoccupied with doing what everyone else is doing – work. It is so wonderful for my job not to be the most important thing in my life; It is so terrible to see people dead-eyed relaying that all they do is work.

The bad news is that, at this juncture, being a full-time, part-time artist is not sustainable forever. However, it does not matter…yet. If I continue to prioritize making art (videos, songs, podcasts, books, reading books, listening to music, blogging), i.e., All the things I truly love, then maybe it will 1. be a life worth living, and 2. someday result in some form of recognition or compensation.

As I have said before, making art and being spiritual are not easy. Creativity is a holy act. Other times, it is just a good time from the heart. However, my sole obligation – not a wife, kids, or a job – is to try and live and envision my creative goals. And for that to happen, I have to stay grounded in a sustainable lifestyle.

Finishing out day 3 without nicotine. I will still use the gum in dire circumstances. However, if I smoke, it is not the end of the world, or my creativity, like I used to think it was. It just isn’t always beneficial. I have learned the difference between withdrawal and cravings. I can handle withdrawal. The muscle aches, the not-wanting-to-do-anything, poor sleep, etc. I have a really bad time with the cravings when they come on. They can last anywhere from an hour to three days. I will have to watch closely and not do anything stupid – such as smoke before I chew on it.

Another small distinction I’ve gathered is the difference between self-improvement, and self-criticism. There is nothing wrong with trying to be “better.” However, I must always preface every instinct to improve myself with the grounded belief that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. I do not think that coming from a place of being unworthy, or not good enough, is ever going to better facilitate growth. It is better to want to change rather than feel like you have to (for me at least).

II

Well, it is Halloween evening. And funny enough, I have work in the morning. I’m sure there were all kinds of parades and parties and raves tonight that I am missing out on, but what I really prefer is an early night, blogging, and watching a scary movie.

I watched The Texas Chain Saw Massacre – 1974 tonight. It is free on YouTube. I have to say – hands down the most fucked up, scariest movie I have ever seen in my life. The film is 50 years old.

I texted my friend Sam that I watched it tonight, and by coincidence, he was watching it tonight too! Ain’t that sumpin’. I love a little good mysticism. He was the one who said, and I quote, “That movie has the devil in it.”

I’ll end on this, Orson Wells said that the most vital thing we can have is the purity of our eyes. He claimed that watching too many films ruins our “vision.” I wholeheartedly agree with him. However, there is this shadow over me that believes my eyes have already been deadened, that they have seen too much smut to ever see God.

But nevertheless, I will have to keep seeking, I will keep trying to wipe the bullshit away so that I may someday see clearly. And crazy as it sounds, you might want to, too.